Love is in the air–not because of an expensive Valentine’s-themed teddy bear, or a basket full of aesthetically-organized goodies, but because of our relationships, communities and mutual understanding.
“I am not expecting my partner, no matter how they identify, to be footing the bill for certain things or taking the lead on other things,” Obe Canare, a marketing researcher based in LA, said. “I take the lead when I want to and where I want to, and I don’t think about, ‘does that make sense with how I see myself?’”
Canare identifies under a few different labels under the transgender umbrella, and they explained that in their relationships, fulfilling specific gender roles is not something that they think about.
“When it comes to Valentine’s Day, the field looks equal,” Canare said.
Gerardo Pesqueira, junior health promotion major, said he has also heard other people’s stressed conversations about whether or not the man in the relationship should get presents for his partner.
“When you’re queer, you don’t follow the norms. So hearing that is like, who cares? I just wanted to say, if you feel like getting them a present, get them a present. I don’t understand why they have to follow this role, or they’ll be othered,” Pesqueira said.
Pesqueira’s partner and senior journalism major Quincy Bowie Jr. said that in queer relationships that are not concerned with gender roles, they are able to love more intentionally.
“We are a lot more cognizant of things like PDA, what it’s like to enter a space, how we present ourselves, who is privy to the knowledge that you’re even in a relationship with regards to your family and friends. So because of that, I think how we choose to love each other is very intentional. And I think that also speaks to the strength of us,” Bowie said.
Bowie also pointed out that these gender norms surrounding Valentine’s Day didn’t pop up out of nowhere—companies making ads focused on material items shift couples’ focus away from what the holiday is truly about.
“There are corporate influences now as well that also contribute to reinforcing those gender roles and to queer erasure,” Bowie said.
Even when ads are only showing a heteronormative example of what love looks like, queer and gender-nonconforming people are able to embrace the beauty of queer love.
“We had no model of what it was to be in a queer relationship. We’re doing it ourselves and we put our values first, that’s how we find what works and the best way to love each other,” Pesqueira said.
Canare said that feeling comfortable in his relationships and accepted in their identity is another beautiful thing about queer relationships.
“The most cathartic part is just truthfully feeling like the way that I exist and move in life isn’t the thing that’s weird and out of the norm. There are other people on this planet that are on your wavelength, and it doesn’t mean that you need to be or act any differently,” Canare said.
This story is part of Flare, an Annenberg Media initiative that focuses on women and queer stories. The goal of this beat is to immerse our audience in the culture, identity, and issues surrounding women and queer communities.