I never thought I could mourn someone I didn’t know: Why I’m still grieving the loss of Liam Payne

I never thought I could mourn someone I didn’t know. Although the rest of society has seemed to move on and continue to navigate this crazy world, I find myself often reflecting upon that day.

It was Wednesday, October 16 — I had class at noon. We were having a class discussion about redlining in Los Angeles, when a fellow student exclaimed, “Oh my gosh. They’re saying Liam Payne fell three stories off a balcony.” A collection of gasps filled the room. “But he’s alive right?” I asked. She replied, “No.”

No words left my mouth. I turned wide-eyed to my friend in disbelief. Ironically, we became friends after we realized we both had One Direction stickers on our laptops — the connection sparking a conversation that felt like we had known each other for years, although it was our first time meeting.

The unexpectedness of the matter made it all the more painful. I never expected the death of a celebrity to weigh so heavily on my heart — but a One Direction member dying during my prime years was never on my bingo card.

At eight years old, I was known as the “One Direction Girl” because I’d never shut up about them. Posters were plastered all over my bedroom walls, my locker was filled with photos of them and their birthdays were highlighted in my 1D calendar so I could badger everyone on those fruitful days. I had all of their CDs, school supplies, pajamas with their faces and perfume  (which I still have to this day).

I know this might sound absurd from the outside looking in — why is this 22-year-old woman going on about this boy band that “broke up” eight years ago? This sort of judgment is not uncommon. Parasocial relationships have been misunderstood and ridiculed for a long time

Parasocial relationships are formed when one person extends emotional energy, interest and time toward a persona, while that person (usually a celebrity or public figure) is completely unaware of the other party’s existence. It goes without mentioning that there’s a dark side to fan culture. Throughout history, we have seen instances where these obsessions become harmful. For example, John Lennon was assassinated by a fan seeking fame. Former One Direction member, Harry Styles, took out a restraining order on a stalker fan, who was later jailed.

However, those aren’t the relationships I’m talking about. According to Thriveworks, 51% of Americans have likely been in parasocial relationships, even though only 16% admit to it. Confessing that you’re deeply invested in a life that isn’t yours may seem odd —I get it. But why does it have to be?

A study by Wellesley College examining parasocial relationships found that “they might play a significant role in social development.” It was further stated that “Adolescent relationships with celebrities, in addition to or instead of friendship, might afford supportive, hierarchical relationships, such as those adolescents often form with mentors, coaches, or other non-parental adults.”

Sometimes when a person seeks support from outside sources, like a parasocial relationship, they might not be receiving that support within their circle. I know that’s what I did, they were my sense of emotional support when I didn’t feel comfortable opening up to those around me.

“Fans can feel as though they ‘know’ the celebrity, often viewing them as role models or sources of comfort. This relationship can positively impact us by providing inspiration or emotional support,” said Dr. Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.

I believe parasocial relationships can be experienced by any vulnerable person no matter their age. During adolescence, many feel as though they’re in a constant state of vulnerability —  hormones are all over the place, bodies are changing and the unknown is being discovered. All of these things are scary and one may feel seen or supported by a celebrity or even a fictional character.

I felt this way myself during those life-changing years. One Direction was more than just a cute boy band, they were my sense of escape. If I had a bad day, I’d watch One Direction’s funniest moments to feel better or if I needed to calm my nerves, I’d listen to the first verse of “Fireproof” and feel alright.

Fans took to social media after Payne’s death expressing the same sentiment. TikTok user @yogaabgab13 captioned a tribute video for the late singer, “the little girl who didn’t feel seen or couldn’t even see herself at times always felt seen and loved by them and I’ll always cherish that with my whole heart.” The comment section was swarmed with fans agreeing with her message.

A piece of my childhood died that day. Although I’m no longer that hurt little girl all those years ago navigating the uncertainty of getting older, her story is still inside of me — I grieve for her.