“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” is a satirical sports column by Kamyar Moradi depicting everything and everyone who should be ashamed of themselves.
Dear Los Angeles Clippers,
As a little brother myself, I can understand the frustrations that someone would have about being unable to get out of the shadow of their older sibling. You try your hardest to get noticed, but no matter what you do, it will amount to nothing more than second place.
You can change your look and do an entire rebrand of the clothes that you wear that follow all the latest trends. Then you start investing in new things like a new car, new house, and the most expensive and outrageous jewelry money can buy.
To top it all off, you say to yourself, I need to get in with the IT crowd, so you cut ties with almost every single person you have ever known, and attract an entire new set of friends that only seem to be there for the money and fame.
No matter how hard you try, there is nothing that beats the original. You cannot get the magic that was once created with the first. Nobody ever remembers “The Next Karate Kid,” or “Mean Girls 2.” I bet some of you didn’t even know the latter existed.
If any of what I wrote sounds a little too close to home, Clippers, that’s probably because it is. For those who are unaware, prior to the entire world shutting down (outside of some counties in Florida), you Clippers were supposed to be the next big thing. Two superstar signings wanted nothing more than to come back to their hometown of Los Angeles, with new tech money from a man who’s net worth at the time was $60 Billion higher than second place on the list of NBA owners.
New logos for your squad had just dropped, along with an entirely new set of jerseys, topped off with a brand new state-of-the-art arena that only Ballmer could buy. I’ve also never heard someone promise 1,100 toilets more than championships in my entire life being a sports fan. But I mean hey, whatever will finally get fans to come watch your games.
Finally an image that will be burned into my head for the rest of time, those damn fuzzy dice. I understand it was opening night of the 2019-2020 NBA season and you guys are about to play the much more relevant Los Angeles Lakers with LeBron James and Anthony Davis. But you thought of some silly advertisement with Kawhi driving a vintage car with fuzzy dice hanging from his rearview mirror: “The New King of L.A.”
It’s safe to say you all tried everything in your power to get out of the Lakers shadow, and none of it worked.
Right now, you sit towards the top of the Western Conference, a whopping six games above your big brother in the Los Angeles Lakers, and guess what… not a single person in the world could care.
I don’t care how talented the roster is, I don’t care about the historic month of December where you went 11-2, I don’t care about you somehow playing with the combination of James Harden, Paul George, Kawhi Leonard and Russell Westrboook, and I don’t care that one my dear friends Johnathan Martin continuously tries to point out that he was write about this squad from the early part of the season and that you guys would “figure out how to play together.”
Listen, I will give credit where credit is due. Just kidding, I won’t! Because if I had a single US Dollar for everytime I was told your irrelevant franchise were championship contenders, I could buy out Microsoft Man himself for majority ownership of your team.
Personally I have no idea how you managed to convince Westbrook to come off the bench, and I have no idea how you convinced Harden that there is only one ball and that Kawhi and PG need to have it in their hands more often than him. It also baffles me how even your home games feel like road games, the same disease that plagues the five Los Angeles Rams and Los Angeles Charger fans around the world. A classic case of I’d-rather-go-to-the-beach-itis that hurts the majority of secondary teams around the city.
No matter how many players you sign, no matter how many regular season games you win three things will always reign true.
Death, taxes, and nobody giving an absolute s**t about the Los Angeles Clippers. (or instead, and an empty Clipper home game.)
Respectfully, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Worst Regards,
Kamyar Moradi