“Kamyar is sick of this stuff” is a satirical column by Kamyar Moradi depicting everything and everyone in the sports world who should be ashamed of themselves.
Dear Los Angeles Lakers,
This might be one of the most painful things I’ve ever written in my life. I didn’t want to write this column, but deep down I knew it was something I had to do. I couldn’t stay silent knowing there were millions of people around the world suffering just like me.
I lived the past 20 years of my life as an optimist, trying to look on the bright side of things, especially when it comes to sports . No matter how hopeless things appear or how slim the odds are, I went into every single Laker game over the course of the last few seasons as optimistic as ever.
But little did I know, these would be some of the most challenging years of my entire life.
Let me paint a scene that will resonate beyond the realm of sports. For this example I’ll model the NBA season after a rigorous climbing expedition.
It’s the middle of October and you’ve spent months trying to scale the tallest mountain in the world. You built upon the trials and tribulations of your last attempt, and you told yourself this is going to be the year that all of your hard work and dedication pay off.
You are more prepared than you ever have been. After extensive training, you’ve acquired some new and valuable skills. You saved up and invested in some championship-caliber climbing equipment that shows how serious you are about getting to the preverbal and quite literal mountain top.
Now just imagine you start the expedition, and things seem to be much different than last year. You’re more put together, and you have this undeniable rhythm and championship desire in your eyes. It’s almost like things really might be different this year…and then, suddenly, you plummet to your death.
To take inspiration from a criminally underrated album, EVERYTHING WAS THE SAME! The same way you have no business climbing the tallest mountain in the world because you keep self-sabotaging yourself at every turn, is the exact same way that this dysfunctionally run franchise that makes you want to pull each individual tooth outta your mouth has no business winning an NBA championship.
For the life of me, I can’t understand it. How can you constantly have pieces that worked on other teams not even so much as sniff the hardwood anytime the Los Angeles Lakers sign them?
Let’s start with Christian Wood. Undeniable talent, size, length, touch around the basket, and a silky jumper that Anderson Paak and Bruno Mars would be proud of. But 19 minutes and 7.5 points later, there is absolutely no sign of any of that talent this season.
You can move on to others like Gabe Vincent, who, even before he suffered his knee injury, shot worse percentage in his career in the five games he appeared for you guys since his rookie season.
A case so bizarre it belongs on “X-Files” is whatever is going on with D’Angelo Russell. There are moments in which I try to convince myself that he will be the reason that you knuckleheads win a championship. Yet there are certain nights that I look upon his stat line to see how he contributed to a specific game, and I am beside myself.
All of the right things were said in the preseason. . Russell was committed to playing on the defensive side of the ball posting an above-average defensive rating, while also a 124.9 offensive rating. That would have meant that D’Angelo Russell would be better at offense this season than Anthony Davis, Damian Lillard, and Jalen Brunson.
It seems like every shooter known around the association for knocking down jumpers arrives on a LeBron James-led team and, all of a sudden, they simply forget how to put the ball into the basket. I am fully convinced that even if this Laker squad signed Steph Curry and Kevin Durant, they would still end up bottom-half of the league in 3-point percentage.
Outside of just your roster, what in the name of lineup changes is going on with Darvin Ham? He gets a new lineup more often than Micah Richards! Why would you put your third-best player (Russell) on the bench? Why won’t you play a 6-foot-10 stretch four with size and length? Why are you so hot and cold with Rui, Cam and Max’s minutes?! I need answers!
All logic is thrown out the window when it pertains to the Los Angeles Lakers. I never would have believed that within the next few weeks, they could beat the number one team in the Western Conference and get a hard-fought win over the Clippers, but lose to Memphis, Utah and Brooklyn.
This is what I get for being a fan, and to tell you the truth, I simply don’t know how much more of this I can take. Figure it out, Los Angeles, because if you don’t, I will strip the starting lineup of all their basketball prowess Monstars style and replace them with the likes of some former Laker Legends. Are you familiar with names like Jordan Hill, Xavier Henry, Jordan Farmar, Robert Sacre, and Swaggy P? Have fun winning 10 games a season!
Respectfully, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Worst Regards,
Kamyar Moradi