Kamyar Is Sick of This Stuff, Vol. Six: Draymond Green

“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” is a satirical sports column by Kamyar Moradi depicting everything and everyone who should be ashamed of themselves.

Dear Draymond Green,

Aubrey Graham put it best when he said, “writing down these feelings it’s been overdue,” because, Draymond, it’s your time to pipe down. I cannot tell you how excited I am that this day has arrived. Because of another Canadian living rent-free in your head, I now have the honor and the privilege to expose you to the masses.

Now usually, trying to go after the Golden State Warriors with Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, at one point Kevin Durant and a plethora of all-time great role players would be a tall task. But, you — Mr. Green — are as easy of a target as there is in sports.

For those of you who don’t think I have a clue about what I’m talking about and claim I will never understand the intrinsic value of a player like Draymond, you need to pipe down, too. Ever since this undersized, offensively challenged character started appearing on Warriors broadcasts, I started to pay close attention to someone who was about to become one of the biggest frontrunners in professional sports.

There isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t fill the airwaves about how you are a four-time champion. Let me be very clear, Mr. Draymond Green. You better wake up every day smiling from ear to ear that the Warriors decided to draft you when they did, because Lord knows what would have happened if your hometown Detroit Pistons grabbed hold of you. You probably passed up a chance at winning G League MVP.

But honestly, Draymond, I cannot express how easy it must be to have the equivalent of three nuclear weapons in their prime, a roster filled with the perfect balance of veteran leadership and young sparks, one of the best manager of egos and what I believe to be the best player development staff in the history of organized ball all at your disposal. Do you see how easy it is to have three generational talents back up your trash talk when all you have to do is set screens and run a bunch of dribble handoffs?

It’s like I’m a broken record, but your lack of self-awareness is potentially worse than that cheese head who went to the bathroom in the dark for four days straight. What’s even worse, Draymond, is that with these championships in your back pocket, you feel like you have the license to go after anyone, even if their career dwarfs yours. Charles Barkley could never make it past the first round of the playoffs for his entire career, and he’d still be better than you by a country mile.

In sports, there are a handful of the worst types of fan bases that are universally agreed upon that drain the life out of you. The most notorious bunch being Dallas Cowboys fans, followed by the entire city of Boston and rounding it off with anyone who supports that school in Westwood. Wow, I think I accidentally stumbled upon my next column. But something that’s escaped me for the past five NBA seasons, Draymond, is why your fanbase is not awarded this honor as well.

Throughout my life, a pivotal part of sports analysis and measuring competition was done through this worldwide phenomenon, otherwise referred to as stats. Stats were something that people could measure and see with their own eyes how specific teams and players separated themselves from the rest. Everyone and their moms love to spit out players’ box scores and whoever leads the league in PER (whatever the heck that means).

Everyone seems to be falling in love with analytics, except when it applies to you, Draymond. With you, it’s all about the leadership you bring to the team or the intangibles that contribute to the “championship DNA.” Here’s an idea — how about instead of constantly coming up with arbitrary nonsense to value you, let’s go by real things that people can actually quantify.

For seven out of 11 seasons in your career, you have averaged the infamous triple-single. Throughout your career, you have scored 20 or more points in a game 38 times. THAT’S ALMOST 100 LESS THAN THE NUMBER OF TECHNICAL FOULS YOU’VE COMMITTED. You have scored 30 points once in your entire career, which is less than Terrence Ross, Vlade Divac, Pooh Richardson, Mario Chalmers and Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis. When Curry and Thompson were sidelined with injuries, you helped the Warriors win 15 out of a possible 65 games.

You have a coin purse for a bag when it comes to your ability to handle the basketball, and your jumper would be better served to build brick houses. Dillon Brooks was right, stick to podcasting and punching teammates.

Respectfully, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Worst Regards,

Kamyar Moradi

“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” runs every Friday.