Kamyar Is Sick of This Stuff, Vol. Five: Aaron Rodgers

“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” is a satirical sports column by Kamyar Moradi depicting everything and everyone who should be ashamed of themselves.

Dear Aaron Rodgers,

Before I proceed to dismantle yet another aspect of sports, I think it’s only right that I take the time to switch things up and show some love and appreciation for this. With this being around the halfway point in the semester, I think it is time I show some serious thanks and appreciation for what this column has provided me. “Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” has allowed me to spit hot fire towards the people and things that need it the most. It has become the canvas to house my muse, and for that, I’m forever grateful.

Now, as we continue with my personal revenge tour, I figured it was only right to talk about someone who spends more time with State Farm than his own receiving core. Aaron, if you think this will be a cakewalk, guess again, my friend. You better not overlook this like a home game against the Lions because I heard that didn’t go too well either, right Mr. Rodgers?

From the beginning of my football fandom, you taught me that a modern-day gladiator sport could be an art form just by the spiral you put on that ball. There wasn’t a more talented thrower of the football, there wasn’t a quarterback with half the moxie and there wasn’t a better magician in sports than you were in the 2010s.

Ever since your lone Lombardi trophy, I carried your legacy around like I was your personal ball boy for 11 straight years like it was a 9-to-5. The endless media cycle every January about how you couldn’t get done in the playoffs and how you massively underachieved. When the lights shined the brightest, you folded like Vontae Davis at halftime. For those of you who don’t understand, I want you to conduct a quick Google search just to appreciate how elite of a reference this really is.

I was there for you Aaron, every time that team from the Bay Area ripped the heart out of every Green Bay, Wisconsin resident, including myself. I still have night terrors of when Colin Kaepernick hung 181 yards on your head, which happened to be a playoff record for any quarterback in NFL history. I was there for you when you lost to a 9-7 New York Giants team after you lost only one game all season. I was there for you when you were finally about to overcome Seattle and the Legion of Bums until disaster struck and you lost in overtime.

Even when you openly admitted to ingesting Ayahuasca, I somehow managed to convince myself and others that you were on the path to enlightenment and just wanted to become more in tune with your true self. I was willing to look over everything, Aaron, but unlike your darkness retreat, it was time for me to see the light.

One of the things I adore the most in sports is when athletes pretend not to care about their image, just to turn around and make sure everyone in the entire country knows about “their true intentions” and “their side of the story.” GIVE ME A BREAK, RODGERS! You sure don’t care what the media thinks of you when you make a weekly appearance every Tuesday with your boy Pat McAfee.

Like a trust fund kid on Christmas, you always find a way to complain about something. You’ve threatened to leave Green Bay and even contemplated retirement until a Brinks truck backed up $150 million in Blue Benjamins into your bank account. I guess it wasn’t about the treatment from the front office, the disconnect from the coaching staff or even the lack of offensive talent that the Packers failed to surround you with.

And the icing on this disgusting cake has to be you throwing your own rookie wide receivers under the biggest bus in the history of automobiles. You let one of the best receivers of this generation walk, claimed you’d be fine without him, and then trashed all of your current group of receivers. You want to cut reps from people who are fighting for their lives trying to make an NFL roster. How do you sleep with yourself at night?

Your pompous nature has caused current and former teammates to speak out about how you couldn’t lead a team. You were even anointed with the title of “diva.” A word so heinous that it’s reserved for the likes of Kyrie “flat-earth” Irving, Chad “I spelled 85 in Spanish incorrectly” Ochocinco, Terrell “team obliterator” Owens and every single Kardashian in existence.

Your crowning achievement over the past 12 NFL seasons is that you’ve owned the Chicago Bears. I hate to break it to you, pal, BUT EVERYONE HAS OWNED THE CHICAGO BEARS SINCE 1986!

The only thing that might rival this unprecedented feat is the fact that you managed to dupe the entire world about being immunized. There was honestly a point in time where I had to find the nearest Merriam-Webster just to know for certain that I hadn’t been using the word wrong my entire life.

Finally, Aaron, I know you could make a case that a lot of what I’m writing is simply conjecture from an outside perspective. You could say I don’t have all the facts. But Ryan Tannehill, Dak Prescott, Jimmy Garoppolo, Matthew Stafford, Jared Goff, Nick Foles and Gardner Minshew all have as many or more playoff wins as you in the past six seasons.

Respectfully, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Worst Regards,

Kamyar Moradi

“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” runs every Friday.