“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” is a satirical sports column by Kamyar Moradi depicting everything and everyone who should be ashamed of themselves.
Dear NBA All-Star Weekend,
I have to be honest with you. This was the last thing that I ever thought I was going to be sick of, but alas, here we are. People may be wondering to themselves, “How do I have the nerve to go after NBA All-Star Weekend when a league who shall not be named played a literal game of flag football?” To those people, I hear you, but being disappointed in Roger Goodell has become a national pastime of mine.
For years, All-Star Weekend, you were one of my favorites. Every time February rolled around, I could not wait to watch everything from Kevin Hart trying to race the world’s fastest man to Karl Anthony-Towns becoming the third splash brother. But this past weekend, I witnessed some of the worst basketball-related content in human history, and that includes “Thunderstruck.”
Let’s start from the beginning of All-Star Weekend. The saddest thing about you was the fact that I really heard people say blasphemous statements like Mac McClung saved the dunk contest. I need to make something extremely clear. My beef here isn’t with Mac McClung, as he is a living ode to “White Men Can’t Jump,” and for that, I have a massive amount of respect for him.
With that said, if anyone of you thinks that the supposed savior of the Dunk Contest could even hold a candle to either Aaron Gordon or Zach Lavine, lose my number. Not a day goes by in which I don’t dream about 2016 when I saw a man literally take a seat in mid air and dunk over a furry green mascot on a hoverboard. Nothing in the dunk contest has ever come close since then.
Now, while the dunk contest has been dead in the water for a while now, the 3-point contest has become a staple over the past few years. However, this year the competition was an absolute dud. We had our first-ever pump fake in 3-point contest history, maybe because Jason Tatum saw the ghosts of lost Finals past. Kyden Randle broke down into tears from his father’s attempt to build a house with all those bricks he threw at the basket. And to make matters worse, there was no splash brother in sight. That’s like having a hot dog eating contest without Joey Chestnut, it’s just not the same.
Moving on to something that made me want to throw out my television — the Taco Bell Skills Challenge. Basketball aside, my deep-rooted hatred for Taco Bell runs so deep, that I hope to one day rid the world of all locations. But I digress. The skills competition has become an absolute aberration to the sport of basketball. Why in the world would the NBA come up with something as entertaining as the old format, when two players faced off and competed against each other at the same time, just to replace it with this dumpster fire of an event?
Silver and the boys thought it would be much more invigorating to have a trifecta of players partake in a long, drawn-out set of challenges that nobody in this day and age has the attention span for. The most memorable thing about the entire event was the size and shine of Jordan Clarkson’s Cuban-link. The skills competition is single-handedly one of the worst things I ever sat down and watched in my entire life, and that includes the series finale of Game of Thrones.
This weekend was filled from head to toe with nonchalant and uninspired performances. It was encapsulated by the main event of this entire shindig, the 2023 NBA All-Star Game. For starters, I understand that this column is supposed to describe the stuff that I am sick of. But with this fourth installment, I truly believe I have the backing of an entire fanbase that would agree with me wholeheartedly.
Michael Malone took the words right out of my mouth. Team LeBron’s own coach said it was the worst All-Star Game of all time, and who am I to argue that? I guarantee Malone has forgotten more basketball than anyone who’s reading this column ever knew. Jaylen Brown called the entire game a “glorified lay-up line.” This game has about as much panache and flavor as a chicken breast.
We, as a nation of basketball enthusiasts, need to bring honor back to not just the All-Star Game, but to you, All-Star Weekend. As of right now, it’s getting harder and harder to watch.
Respectfully, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Worst Regards,
Kamyar Moradi
“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” runs every Friday.