Kamyar Is Sick of This Stuff, Vol. Three: Juju Smith-Schuster

“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” is a satirical sports column by Kamyar Moradi depicting everything and everyone who should be ashamed of themselves.

Dear Juju Smith-Schuster,

If I had a dollar for every TikToker that became an elite NFL wide receiver, I’d be flat-out broke! Social media has been the bane of my existence for a while now, and nobody’s going to tell me otherwise. The destruction it causes greatly outweighs anything positive that it might bring to the table. Social media personifies what it means to be a distracted individual in today’s society, especially someone that’s lost their way.

At this very moment, as I’m trying to frantically turn this column in before my deadline, I have gone out of my way to scroll mindlessly through my phone on three separate occasions, and we’re only two paragraphs into the column.

I say all this to shed light on someone who needs to get back in the lab and really consider what the sport of football means to them. There needs to be some serious self-evaluation done if this guy ever hopes to be anything more than an honorary member of the Faze Clan. This guy is one more dice roll away from hanging up the cleats for good, and when it finally happens, we can all rejoice together.

In the words of the great A.J. Brown, “You was on the way out the league before Mahomes resurrected your career on your one-year deal Tik-Tok boy.” That’s right, readers, I’m about to go after one of Southern California’s very own Juju “on that beat” Smith-Schuster. If you thought this guy was untouchable just because he’s a USC alum and he shouted out the institution during media week, then you all have much to learn, young grasshoppers.

Don’t get me wrong, the Trojan family is truly something special, and usually, even I’m not foolish enough to go after one of our own. But something that I’ve believed for a long time is that in life, there’s no such thing as an absolute. So buckle up in that Corvette Corvette of yours, Mr. Smith-Schuster, because my outrage knows no bounds.

The part that disappoints me the most is that I should’ve seen this coming. Your second year into the league, goobers around the NFL were so quick to appoint you this undeserved title of elite wide receiver when I screamed from the mountaintops that it was all a fallacy. I knew you had no business being regarded as one of the league’s best for the simple fact that a guy by the name of Antonio Brown shared the field with you at all times. If I was on the 2018 Pittsburgh Steelers, there’s a good chance I would make the Pro Bowl too.

You’re in that rare echelon of wide receivers that are worse at running routes, catching the ball and producing overall in the receiving department than your tight end. How is it that your teammate Travis Kelce, who is listed to be four inches taller and about 40 pounds heavier than you, gets in and out of his breaks quicker and has exponentially more wiggle than you? Someone with the title of wide receiver cannot be worse at receiving than a tight end.

Above all else, Mr. Smith-Schuster, the most egregious part about your entire career goes back to an app that continues to make the world a worse place: TikTok. I want to make something extremely clear to all of you reading this. I am as far away from the concept of shutting up and dribbling as humanly possible. I am one of the biggest proponents of athletes representing themselves through far more than just the sport they partake in. The power and platform athletes around the world have at their disposal to accomplish some incredible things completely unrelated to sports is something I advocate for every hour of every day.

But with that being said, if you are a starting NFL wide receiver who prioritizes a dance routine on your opponents’ logo more than doing anything of substance in the actual game, everyone in the Milky Way reserves the right to clown you “with no regard for human life,” as said by NBA announcer Kevin Harlin.

And in honor of you, Mr. Smith-Schuster, I’m personally enacting a new rule that should span the test of time. Thee has’t not the licenseth to talketh trash at which hour thee scoreth three times this season. Get your money up, not your funny up.

So how about you stop wasting everyone’s time, Juju, and challenge Jake Paul to a fight or something because clearly this whole NFL thing doesn’t seem to be working out.

Respectfully, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Worst Regards,

Kamyar Moradi

“Kamyar is Sick of This Stuff” runs every Friday.