It’s a quiet day in Madre Linda when Netflix viewers are reintroduced to their favorite murderous bookkeeper, and now father, Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley). Having recently moved out of Los Angeles and into a peaceful California suburb, Joe and his wife — Love Quinn (played by Victoria Pedretti) — are beginning their new lives as loving and devoted parents to their son Henry in a town where the only sources of entertainment are the local boutique cycling studio and an occasional argument struck up at that week’s homeowner’s association meeting.
After learning about Love’s murderous past at the end of season two, it was safe to assume Joe had finally found his soulmate. Someone who wouldn’t only accept his dark side, but who had homicidal tendencies similar to his own. The two really seemed like a match made in hell. The pair had me thinking, “there really is someone out there for everyone.” We quickly learn, however, that while Joe is determined to be a good father to his son, he isn’t as thrilled to be fulfilling the role of husband to Love.
Unable to quit his hobby of stalking and pursuing women, Joe bounces from person to person until he finds someone he believes will provide him with the perfect relationship and family he has always dreamed of. The problem? Similar to how Joe would kill anyone keeping him from “the one,” so will Love, and she is certain that Joe is her “one.”
“The whole soulmate thing, it’s mostly bullshit,” says mom-fluencer (Mommy influencer) of Madre Linda, Sherry Conrad, to Love, “You choose your soulmate.”
A soulmate is believed to be a person with whom you connect with on a deeply spiritual level; they were made for and brought to you by the universe.
When observing the many couples audience members meet in season three of “You,” viewers are able to see what relationship elements each couple express gratitude for, and which elements they lack and desire.
I categorized these traits into four main sections that represent an honest portrayal of the trials and tribulations almost every couple, even the most murderous of them, may encounter.
Authenticity & Understanding
One phrase you’ll hear repeatedly throughout this season of “You” is, “I know you.” It’s a sentence each couple says when they are predicting the thoughts or actions of their partner. For all his life, Joe has been afraid of sharing his violent past with the one he loves, worried that if they see this part of him, they will leave. While Joe’s dark side is a persona that any sane person would run from, it’s an exaggerated version of the negative behaviors and traits we all have within us.
Being able to admit your own faults is essential when attempting to become a better partner, and being able to recognize that your partner isn’t perfect is also crucial to the success of your relationship.
“In their own weirdo way, the Conrads bring out the best in each other.” Joe said when reflecting on the marriage of his neighbors.
A good relationship is composed of two partners who recognize that they are not perfect nor is their partner. Yet, they don’t leave the relationship in hopes of finding someone who fits their definition of perfect. Instead, each partner challenges the other to better themselves regularly and continue to invest in the relationship.
Stability Vs. Excitement
Comparing fatherhood to the 1993 movie, “Groundhog Day,” Joe explains how routine his life has become since becoming a father, and throughout the season, Joe is constantly searching for something or someone to reignite that spark of excitement within him.
Not only is Joe beginning to doubt the legitimacy of his feelings for Love due to the lack of excitement within their relationship, but Love also shares how unhappy she is within her marriage when having an imaginary conversation with her dead twin brother — Forty — in episode six.
“I fell so in love with Joe, but now I don’t even like him anymore,” Love said.
Because this legendary spark seems to appear so effortlessly at the beginning of a relationship, couples often believe it should remain present in the relationship without any additional maintenance. The truth is, it’s your responsibility to keep that spark alive.
While people crave the feelings experienced during the honeymoon phase of their relationship where most days are filled with constant affection, spontaneous dates and the never-ending feeling of butterflies fluttering in your stomach, the inevitable decline of this initial excitement isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Those new relationship butterflies can also be defined as nervous jitters — the feelings you first get when you meet someone for the first time and are often trying to impress them. From that perspective, is it really a bad thing for those anxious feelings to fade away? No. You are finally comfortable with your partner, and are able to be around them without feeling pressured to look or behave a certain way.
While you should always want to make your partner feel special and appreciated, wanting that spark to stay constantly lit is an unrealistic goal. It will inevitably burn out. Taking the time and effort to pull out a new match and relight that flame, however, is all it takes to get it started again.
Independence
After moving to a new city where Joe and Love can start off their marriage and begin raising their child, the two aren’t quick to make friends or assimilate to their new town’s culture. The couple spends most of their time at home, only surrounded by each other and their newborn. Both aching for the freedom their past lives held, it’s no wonder they begin fighting.
Love quickly comes to the decision to open her own bakery in town, allowing her to get out of the house and invest in her one true love: baking. Throughout the season, Love begins to socialize with more town moms and eventually makes a few friends. Joe, however, isn’t interested in becoming buddy-buddy with any of the elite neighborhood residents, a decision that the couple’s therapist suggests adds a lot of stress to the marriage.
While your partner and your relationship with them should be a priority of yours, it shouldn’t be your everything. If you fail to invest in yourself, you aren’t nurturing the hobbies and passions that make you, you. Not only will this partner begin to solely isolate themselves from the outside world and the previously fulfilled version of themselves, but their partner may begin to feel responsible for their happiness. That’s a lot of responsibility which can overwhelm a partner and lead to an unbearable amount of pressure, and ultimately the demise of a relationship.
Teamwork
With murders occurring regularly within their relationship, Joe and Love are constantly on edge and left wondering if one day they will be their partner’s next victim.
In this partnership, Love and Joe have to make a decision: Are we fighting against one another, or are we tackling a problem together? To do so, Dr. Chandra suggests Joe and Love try to look at each other as teammates. As two people who are working together to raise a child, save a marriage and take on any other challenges their relationship may face. Granted, the difficulties Joe and Love face aren’t issues any normal, law-abiding couples would have to face.
A marriage is an alliance. It’s being able to communicate any concrete or abstract problem one or both partners are dealing with and know you can work together and find a solution.
Season three of “You” portrays the harsh realities many modern day partnerships face. Featured couples are divorced, newly weds, beginner parents or polyamourus, and each couple holds different opinions on the many lifestyles and decisions their neighboring couples have.
Many couples — both in the show and in reality — get caught up in finding a partner that makes them feel like the star of their very own romantic comedy, chasing their idea of love but never knowing what that feeling is actually like. Partners unfortunately never manage to experience true love when they are too focused on achieving that infamous dream relationship or portraying a partnership that is aesthetic and admirable to the public but not fulfilling in public. That’s because real love comes from hard work, and as Dr. Chandra explains to the Quinn-Goldberg’s, and marriage takes lots of it.
Between the murder investigations, neighborhood affairs and influencer dinner parties packed into season three of “You,” there is an underlying message about what a healthy relationship will realistically look like, and the answer may not be what audience members had believed or hoped.
With characters fighting for their lives to make it to the end of the season — and few couples getting there alive — “You” argues that any relationship can be your dream relationship if you and your partner decide to make it so.