I bet you thought that this time was about comfort and joy. Well, apparently some other people struggle with the comfort part. I went scrounging around the dark corners of the internet to find the Christmas Jingles that give us the heebie-jeebies.
1. "Back Door Santa"
This title alone makes me a little skeptical, but wait until you hear the lyrics: Essentially, this song is about a Santa that comes whenevs and gives kids pennies so that they can be alone together. UHM — I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this doesn't exactly make people feel warm and fuzzy inside when they hear it. Give the tune a listen to experience all the PedoSanta.
2. "Baby, It's Cold Outside"
Now, I know this one is a classic, but you have to look at the overall picture here. This woman is at this dude's house at (I'm assuming) nighttime, and she wants to leave, but he won't let her. Say it with me now: CONSENT. This guy does not understand that term. And, at one point in the song, the contents of the drink he gave the girl come into question. This just solidifies the watch-your-drink-at-all-times rule!
3. "Please, Daddy"
A holiday song about domestic abuse makes a lot of sense. Oh. It doesn't? Well, John Denver did not get that memo. The lyrics to this one are literally: "Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas. I don't wanna see Momma cry." Not only is that seriously depressing, but it makes a terrible, TERRIBLE Christmas song.
4. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
Now, I've always thought this Christmas classic was a little suspect. I mean, "He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake?" This song makes Santa sound like a pedophile and a Peeping Tom. I don't know why anyone would want to tell their children that an old man is creeping into their house and watching them sleep. That would've given me nightmares as a kid, that's for sure.
5. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
If glorifying homicide is what celebrates this merry time of year, then I have some skepticism. I mean, Santa, who is supposed to bring joy and cheer, is going around running over people's grandmas! What kind of jolly soul is that?! I want no part of a world where Santa is a reckless driver and I am grandmas-less.